Why is my kid a picky eater?

I get asked this question a lot and it’s a completely reasonable question!

The truth is, there could be a number of different reasons your kiddo is a selective eater, and it might be a combination of factors. I often find in my direct treatment that I am using some combination of sensory-based, motor-based, and behavioral approaches for almost every kid. (You can see descriptions of the different types of approaches on the Resources page!)

Here, I’d like to offer some ideas that might explain why your kiddo responds to food the way they do. While there are several different ways feeding specialists may categorize selective eaters, here are the main groups I look at when evaluating a kiddo:

Group #1: Motor Strength/Coordination

Many kids struggle with their mouths not being able to manage some of the grown up foods they’re presented with. You might see them chew and chew and chew some more and wonder if they will ever swallow that seemingly tiny bite of chicken. For many kiddos, their mouth gets tired with certain textures of foods and it might hurt, and they might even spit their food out. Then sometimes they get scolded for spitting their food out, because “it’s not appropriate dinner table etiquette.” This can lead to avoidance of ever eating that food or similar foods again. Our kids are like, “I’m no dummy, I got in trouble last time for not being able to chew that food up and spitting it out so I wouldn’t choke! So...either choke or get in trouble?! No way I’m ever eatin’ that again!”

The real reason for this “Neverending Chewing Story” (see what I did there?😜) that can lead to spitting out bites is oral motor weakness. Some part of your kiddo’s mouth doesn’t quite have the strength to chew the food enough to feel safe for swallowing. Often I see kiddos with weak jaw muscles, weak tongue strength or weak cheek strength that impacts their ability to adequately chew up all textures of foods.

Another thing you might see is your kiddo only chewing on one side of their mouth. This might indicate weakness on one side of the tongue. The strong side always pushes the food to the opposite side. Or if your kiddo has difficulty sticking their tongue out to lick their lips, they might have some tongue weakness.

The good news is the best way to strengthen these muscles of the mouth, is to use them in the task they are weakest! The bad news is the best way to strengthen these muscles, is to use them in the task they are weakest! 😝 That’s what we in the biz call a double edged sword. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Don’t feel discouraged, I have ideas for you if this is your kiddo! (See Ideas/Strategies Handout)

Group #2: Sensory Processing Difficulty 

Some of our kiddos have difficulty processing sensory information. We all process sensory information differently, but some people are hypersensitive (our kids who are extra) or hyposensitive (our mellow fellows) to that information.

Looking at the eight different sensory systems…

Visual

Auditory

Touch

Smell

Taste

Balance (Vestibular)

Movement (Proprioceptive)

Internal (Interoceptive)

…you can see that our body uses information from every system when eating.

Our body’s interoceptive system is what gives us our hunger cues or helps us regulate our emotions if we’re anxious about eating. This can be an important area to look at if it seems like our kiddos are just not hungry ever. Are they not getting that hunger cue? Do they feel dysregulated?

Our body’s proprioceptive and vestibular systems help us to know where our body is in space and keep our balance to sit and eat. I often look at how fidgety a kiddo might be at mealtime. Are they more comfortable getting up and walking around and stopping by the table to get a bite but then continue walking around? They might have core weakness, difficulty processing proprioceptive information, or difficulty maintaining their balance while seated.

It's important to note your kiddo’s response as they take in information via the other systems. Do they seem fearful just seeing the food? Are they sensitive to loudly crunchy foods? Do they avoid touching slimy textured foods? Do they reject a new food after smelling it?  

These are really good clues to determining what system is having difficulty processing the new information. And that sensory processing difficulty can be really scary. If something feels too unsafe, your kiddo’s fight or flight response may kick in and shut down their hunger sensation, and so when they say (seemingly out of nowhere), “I’m just not hungry,” they’re probably not lying. However, once their sensory system is calm and regulated, ten minutes after the meal, they will likely ask for a snack. Which is only, like, the most infuriating ask ever of parents…amirite? 😤

I’d also like to add that until the age of 7 years old, kids will choose a preferred texture over a preferred taste. Which means, even if they love love love apples, but do not like “slimy” foods, they may refuse delicious TASTING applesauce because of its “slimy” TEXTURE. You’ll hopefully start to see your kiddos grow out of the TOT (Texture Over Taste) phase as they get closer to 7 years old and beyond.

Group #3: Exposure/Opportunity

This is a tough category because we as adults sort of settle into the meals and foods we like and are easy to prepare. Especially on weeknights after working all day. Oftentimes those are the foods our kids will actually eat. Pasta dishes, pizza, apples, chicken nuggets, etc. But the one night we decide to cook a fancy, time-consuming meal for a special occasion, our kids claim they are “not hungry” or “not eatin’ that”. Research shows kids need 8-15 exposures of a new food to tolerate and accept that food as safe. I have found the pickier a kiddo is, the more exposures of a new food they will need and more gradual exposure as well.

So herein lies the challenge for us parents. And I am 1000% guilty of this exact scenario I’m about to unfold. 🙋🏻‍♀️

We give our kid cooked carrots and they despise them. Next week we try again with the cooked carrots but maybe less cooked, with a little bite still. Al dente, if you will. “Mom, I told you, I hate cooked carrots.” Next week we slather the cooked carrots in a maple brown sugar sauce and sauteé them. Mmm…“Ick disgusting!” Okay, next week we roast the carrots with a variety of other root vegetables. “I still hate cooked carrots.” At this point, it’s kinda like, how many leftover cooked carrots am I gonna have to eat the next day because my kid will NEVER eat cooked carrots? So you give up completely and only offer raw carrots because at least your kiddo will eat those and you’re not wasting food by presenting something they’ll never eat and hey, they ARE getting a vegetable!

There’s a few problems with the aforementioned scenario. 1) We’re changing the item each time, so in all reality, it’s like offering another NEW food, not a familiar one. 2) It’s only been 4 exposures, spaced out, and again, changed each time.

Our kiddos need consistency of exposure to build familiarity. Maybe the first exposure is really just having it present on the plate without even tasting it. Hint: give them a TINY portion until they feel comfortable enough to eat it. I often don’t even cook enough of the new food for all my kids and just give them each 1 bite of a new food. The magic here is sometimes if your kiddo thinks they only need to eat that 1 bite and can be done with dinner, they might suck it up and just scarf it down just to “be done”. I’m okay with this method. 😏 Or they might balk at it and throw it in the compost. Hey, at least they touched it and got some exposure! And cleaned up after themselves! Win-win.

Group #4: Fear/Anxiety

Some of our kiddos have naturally higher anxiety than others. If you know this about your kiddo and that change or trying new things or just being uncomfortable exacerbates their anxiety, you might need to move more gradually through the feeding program. Take more time to build trust with your kiddo that they can move at a pace that is comfortable for them and that you won’t be forcing them to eat anything they find terrifying.

I find talking through their fears of new foods really helpful. Spend more time in Food Exploration and give them a lot of validation and reassurance that they are making progress and their body and mind will feel so healthy and good with the results.

As a speech language pathologist, something I have done with a lot of my kiddos who suffer from anxiety about new routines or experiences, is create a social story to go through ahead of time. You can put pictures of the new food in there and pictures of your kiddo smiling before and after. Include wording from the scripts handout such as: “I’m still learning about this food, and I’m not ready to try it yet.” Having language to use when in a state of anxiety can be really powerful for your kiddo.